Allow Me To Be Candid

I wish to, first draw attention to the fact that I am in Recovery from my Dual-Disorder since April 28, 1984. Yee-haw!  Next, I will tell you of my escapades prior to continuous recovery.
I had been attempting to get into Recovery from alcoholism/drug addiction/schizophrenia which I had not been diagnosed with at the time/bipolar disorder/panic attacks. This is a mess to deal with!! My untreated illnesses started to kick me in the behind and I mean not able to sleep for weeks/anxiety beyond words/and plain old acting crazy making me, even upon initial Recovery, isolated from the world and reality for a total of 7 years. Alone and lonely. I even went to church...the same church I was custodian at for years at the age of 13 because my mom and dad were poor so I worked and basically put food on the table for the family. Anyway, these people at church I had known would not look at me, talk to me, shake my hand...it was as if there was no forgiveness in going to church. So, I remained alone and lonely for years after that.

My point is here: My hallucinations developed into a science fiction/horror genre and the hallucinations were so real/so vivid and convincing that I believed them. They were action-packed, supposedly rewarding if I was able to perform as a "character" in a story I would get millions of dollars and Power over anything/anybody!

Crazy? Yes! Not my fault! I was clean and sober and broke no laws. Just was nuts. I actually acquired a "fun" story of which I lived while hallucinating. To me, that part of my hallucinations was "fun" to me! A reward from my God. And at the time they were fun hallucinations!

Now, haven gotten help for this set of illnesses called Dually-Diagnosed I am REALly enjoying life and am in the process of writing novels about my fun hallucinations!
I hope the best to ya'll!

To Panic Or Not To Panic

I suffer from panic attacks/anxiety disorder and the solution to it was to "Breathe Deeply and Think of A Positive Place or Evident" advice given by therapists. When I have a panic attack and I begin to breathe deeply my head feels as if will explode. Besides, it doesn't help until I am already coming down from the panic attack.
Then, to "Think of a positive place..."? I come from an abusive house, was born depressed and showed signs of schizophrenia @ age 8. I have not experienced a " happy place/positive place" to think of...except when I was stoned out of my mind on drugs/booze...not the type of place a recovering alcoholic/drug addict like me wants to think positive about when trying to stay off intoxicating chemicals!! To relapse on drugs/ alcohol will kill me...to have panic attacks "only" debilitate me.
I feel lucky to be able to blog here and to have started to write a series of novels which cover my 7+ year long single storyline hallucination caused by untreated schizophrenia.
Does such a series of novels spark any type of interest within you? Please feel free to leave your comments here at the end of this post! Thank you so very much!

Mentally "Kill"?

A major point with me even with my own recovery is that after I sobered up and got clean I had untreated schizophrenia. I was not breaking any laws. Because no one tried to help me even tho I showed signs of, well, strange behaviour I suffered long and hard alone..for years due to untreated mental illnesses. I was/am docile. There are thousands of those with untreated mental illnesses who are going through what I have, but are capable of violent behavior. Might we...all of us concerned about safety...find a way to get mental health treatment to EVERYONE who shows the obvious signs of mental illness. I sure could have used proper care much earlier. We could lower crime folks! I am not a lawmaker, but lawmakers need to arrange a way to get ahold of people like me before dangerous actions occur.

What The Dangerous "Only Pot" Can Do To You

As I was born depressed and had few friends cause I was "no fun" and my older sister came home from college one summer and asked me if I "...wanted some of..." I immediately said yes and I smoked pot for the first time. I didn't know it was marijuana, but it made me feel "different"! Plus, as I got drawn into the partying crowd I finally had who I thought were friends. I had thought that I had found the answer to all of my life's problems.
Years later, still smoking pot I made the Dean's List in Engineering and it quickly grew into a run-away freight train of heroin/cocaine/pcp addiction and even in the act I hated it and couldn't quit. Not until a " friend" put a lot of LSD in my fruit punch drink and I was gone for three months...I think.
Soon after I went inpatient for drug rehabilitation and years later I figured out that I was also an alcoholic and had schizophrenia/bipolar disorder/panic attacks.
What I have not mentioned is that before my drug habit increased from three times a year to three times a day I had Miss Right/was able to work day and night to achieve what I wanted and was a quite honest man which drugs/booze/drugs/mental and emotional disorders made me into what became the small town character. I lost everything near and dear to me and have not...even with a Recovery birthday April 28, 1984...I have not been able to get a job (I am now on Disability Entitlements due to schizophrenia and panic attacks) not been able to attract another Miss Right and am a mere shadow of the achiever that I had once been.
I will say that I  am mostly happy today in Recovery, but everyday I understand that I lost all of the things a man wants out of life! One thing for sure, Recovery beats having to go to jail/paranoid about cops and the fact that I have gotten to age 56 whereas those I've known who do not stay in Recovery die near the time they relapse!
What I am doing these days is that I'm writing the true story of my 7+ years of schizophrenia - caused hallucinations that were actually kind of "fun" to live through. I am not/do not beg for sympathy, but write my novels to entertain and inform my audience. Also, I am trying to help knock down the wall of stigma which often isolates us who have mental illesses from the rest of the world. Not to mention alcoholism and drug addiction.
Though I have a lot to complain about I do have a life that's actually fun and as free as a man could ask for!