Allow Me To Be Candid

I wish to, first draw attention to the fact that I am in Recovery from my Dual-Disorder since April 28, 1984. Yee-haw!  Next, I will tell you of my escapades prior to continuous recovery.
I had been attempting to get into Recovery from alcoholism/drug addiction/schizophrenia which I had not been diagnosed with at the time/bipolar disorder/panic attacks. This is a mess to deal with!! My untreated illnesses started to kick me in the behind and I mean not able to sleep for weeks/anxiety beyond words/and plain old acting crazy making me, even upon initial Recovery, isolated from the world and reality for a total of 7 years. Alone and lonely. I even went to church...the same church I was custodian at for years at the age of 13 because my mom and dad were poor so I worked and basically put food on the table for the family. Anyway, these people at church I had known would not look at me, talk to me, shake my hand...it was as if there was no forgiveness in going to church. So, I remained alone and lonely for years after that.

My point is here: My hallucinations developed into a science fiction/horror genre and the hallucinations were so real/so vivid and convincing that I believed them. They were action-packed, supposedly rewarding if I was able to perform as a "character" in a story I would get millions of dollars and Power over anything/anybody!

Crazy? Yes! Not my fault! I was clean and sober and broke no laws. Just was nuts. I actually acquired a "fun" story of which I lived while hallucinating. To me, that part of my hallucinations was "fun" to me! A reward from my God. And at the time they were fun hallucinations!

Now, haven gotten help for this set of illnesses called Dually-Diagnosed I am REALly enjoying life and am in the process of writing novels about my fun hallucinations!
I hope the best to ya'll!

To Panic Or Not To Panic

I suffer from panic attacks/anxiety disorder and the solution to it was to "Breathe Deeply and Think of A Positive Place or Evident" advice given by therapists. When I have a panic attack and I begin to breathe deeply my head feels as if will explode. Besides, it doesn't help until I am already coming down from the panic attack.
Then, to "Think of a positive place..."? I come from an abusive house, was born depressed and showed signs of schizophrenia @ age 8. I have not experienced a " happy place/positive place" to think of...except when I was stoned out of my mind on drugs/booze...not the type of place a recovering alcoholic/drug addict like me wants to think positive about when trying to stay off intoxicating chemicals!! To relapse on drugs/ alcohol will kill me...to have panic attacks "only" debilitate me.
I feel lucky to be able to blog here and to have started to write a series of novels which cover my 7+ year long single storyline hallucination caused by untreated schizophrenia.
Does such a series of novels spark any type of interest within you? Please feel free to leave your comments here at the end of this post! Thank you so very much!

Mentally "Kill"?

A major point with me even with my own recovery is that after I sobered up and got clean I had untreated schizophrenia. I was not breaking any laws. Because no one tried to help me even tho I showed signs of, well, strange behaviour I suffered long and hard alone..for years due to untreated mental illnesses. I was/am docile. There are thousands of those with untreated mental illnesses who are going through what I have, but are capable of violent behavior. Might we...all of us concerned about safety...find a way to get mental health treatment to EVERYONE who shows the obvious signs of mental illness. I sure could have used proper care much earlier. We could lower crime folks! I am not a lawmaker, but lawmakers need to arrange a way to get ahold of people like me before dangerous actions occur.

What The Dangerous "Only Pot" Can Do To You

As I was born depressed and had few friends cause I was "no fun" and my older sister came home from college one summer and asked me if I "...wanted some of..." I immediately said yes and I smoked pot for the first time. I didn't know it was marijuana, but it made me feel "different"! Plus, as I got drawn into the partying crowd I finally had who I thought were friends. I had thought that I had found the answer to all of my life's problems.
Years later, still smoking pot I made the Dean's List in Engineering and it quickly grew into a run-away freight train of heroin/cocaine/pcp addiction and even in the act I hated it and couldn't quit. Not until a " friend" put a lot of LSD in my fruit punch drink and I was gone for three months...I think.
Soon after I went inpatient for drug rehabilitation and years later I figured out that I was also an alcoholic and had schizophrenia/bipolar disorder/panic attacks.
What I have not mentioned is that before my drug habit increased from three times a year to three times a day I had Miss Right/was able to work day and night to achieve what I wanted and was a quite honest man which drugs/booze/drugs/mental and emotional disorders made me into what became the small town character. I lost everything near and dear to me and have not...even with a Recovery birthday April 28, 1984...I have not been able to get a job (I am now on Disability Entitlements due to schizophrenia and panic attacks) not been able to attract another Miss Right and am a mere shadow of the achiever that I had once been.
I will say that I  am mostly happy today in Recovery, but everyday I understand that I lost all of the things a man wants out of life! One thing for sure, Recovery beats having to go to jail/paranoid about cops and the fact that I have gotten to age 56 whereas those I've known who do not stay in Recovery die near the time they relapse!
What I am doing these days is that I'm writing the true story of my 7+ years of schizophrenia - caused hallucinations that were actually kind of "fun" to live through. I am not/do not beg for sympathy, but write my novels to entertain and inform my audience. Also, I am trying to help knock down the wall of stigma which often isolates us who have mental illesses from the rest of the world. Not to mention alcoholism and drug addiction.
Though I have a lot to complain about I do have a life that's actually fun and as free as a man could ask for!

Making Sacrifices For Recovery?

When one ponders whether to get/stay in Dual Recovery one weighs all of the sacrifices one will have to make in order to live a healthier, happier life! Tough choices, folks!
I had to give up puking after drinking/court costs/jail time/wrecking my car/a guilty conscience/ I had to give up being sick and tired all of the time/spending all of the food money on drugs/depression/paranoid cause of the cops/paranoia caused by smoking pot/I had to give up slowly killing myself!
     Hell! I hate being happy in Dual Recovery...I am so damn happy all of the time! And the police leave me alone and I can pay rent and I have no fear of being knifed by my roommate! And the worst part? Having a good reputation!
     Defense rests! Ha-ha!

S.A.D. I call "March Madness" For Me

I am on Disability for I have Dual-Disorder (mental disorder PLUS chemical addiction). My
Recovery birthdate is 4/28/84...soon I plan on having 30 years in Recovery.
I woke up today depressed/hallucinating and feeling like tearing up everything in my house. I am not violent, but just feel like it. My super roommate and I are watching our favorite sport
baseball and when they swing the bat I feel it hit me...thru the tv. Yeah! Also, I am depressed and since I was born with symptoms I have very few good memories to think on to help me lift my spirits, in fact I was abused as a child.  I am not just here to complain, but instead to tell anyone willing to read whom also have schizophrenia/bipolar disorder/Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)/panic attacks/addictions all of which I have that medical science has no answers to cure us, but when we have symptoms we needn't act out and hurt anybody including ourselves nor drink nor drug...DO continue to take our meds and eventually our symptoms will pass!
I know, tough order! You're damn right! If you do act out when stricken ill then life will get damner-tougher real quick! If you stay in Recovery your life/health will improve...if you continue to work away at it! My "bad days"  are/have been becoming fewer and further between! Most days I absolutely love my life! Today I just look up at the God I understand (mostly I don't understand! Ha-ha!) and say "Damn! Do you not like me or something?"  What the hell am I suppossed to do? All I can do is sit here and type...trying to felate with amd try to say "Hey!  Just PLEASE don't act out
on your symptoms for better days are coming...IF you stay in Recovery. If you don't stay in Recovery tben you've got more Hell on Earth coming your way!
Stay in Recovery and you will love life like I do on most days!

Do You "Get It"?

Before I begin my ranting and raving, let me first qualify myself: I have been a Dean's List Engineering Student @ Purdue University; I have a Recovery birthdate of 4/28/1984 from alcoholism/drugs including heroin, cocaine, pcp (remember pcp?) /schizophrenia/bipolar disorder/panic attacks/Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Might I add, I'm happy today!
     In the past 30 years I have heard a lot about Recovery from all kinds of sources including "meetings", group therapy, multiple mental hospital visits and a whole lot of just plain old false statements from those heralded to be those who know what they are doing/talking about!
The latest "craze" (ha-ha!) is that if the mentally ill were to just "think differently" then this will change the construction of their brains. First off, this advise is being fed to us Dually-Disgnosed (drugs/alcohol PLUS mental/emotional disorder) and I know as a life-time sufferrer this to be horse-shi_! If I neglect to take my night time anti-depressant then I'm depressed all the next day. Overall, I have been depressed my entire life (I am now 55 years old) until this wondeful drug Remeron) . Someone with depression can't, CAN'T just "think happy thoughts"! Thus, the constant need for medication.
Plus, it has been the policy for any recovering alcoholic that to just "think" sober does not help the alcoholic get nor stay sober! A true alcoholic to stay sober MUST work a Program that is most unnatural to him/her. I don't mean,sit back and chant "Sober! Sober! Sober!"
I mean go out and "practice" this most unnatural Program in order to get/stay Sober.
What happened to "thinking yourself" into Recovery from depression/schizophtenia/alcoholism/drug addiction? It, along with them just died! Folks? Unless you know and can prove for 10 to 20 years of successful Recovery that your little "pet theory" is valid please shut up and "think it to yourself"!